Junior (1994) (PG-13) Vs. Fright Night (1985) (R)
by David
It is time for a donut review first! A battle royale between two highly competitive, completely unrelated, and equally crappy 2.5 donut level of entertainment movies. If you had to subject yourself to one of these 2.5 donut affairs, which would it be? Will it be the more disturbing than funny Arnold Schwarzenegger getting pregnant movie or the disturbingly not disturbing, more cheesy than funny vampire-next-door tale. Which will it be? Whose cuisine reigns supreme???
Now for a quick word about my donut review system. 2.5 Donuts is essentially the cutoff. I would rather not ever rewatch a movie rated this low ever again. More painful than anything else really. I would see a movie rated 3.0 donuts again. Either to give it another chance, or to appreciate a few of the more memorable scenes, or simply because it happened to be on TV. Neither of these movies are worthy of a second watch. But which one was ALMOST worthy. This battle should be fierce.
In the "hope" portion of the battle, "Fright Night" wins. As every moment continues to pass for "Fright Night" there is hope that the movie might actually start to get better. It never does, but having hope is important while watching a bad movie. It helps get you through those tough times. There, unfortunately, is no hope while watching "Junior". The scenes continually get to be more and more awkward. By the halfway point, the hope is not for the movie to get better, but for it to end. No. Please. No more. I don't want to see Arnold acting like a pregnant woman anymore. It got way too creepy (much creepier than "Fright Night").
The "best scene" award goes to "Junior". While the dancing vampire was…something, and the mom-vampire first meeting was amusing, neither could surpass the hilarity of Arnold envisioning what his baby would be like. Absolutely hilarious and a definite part to mimic in front of the other six people who saw the movie.
The "most annoying character" penalty is the easiest one to call. The friend in "Fright Night" is terrifyingly bad. The scariest part of the movie, in fact. Now, the character was certainly written to be annoying, but the problem is that the actor was one of the worst I have ever seen. This takes annoying to near infinite levels and much more than mere mortals can handle. I had no major qualms with any of the characters in "Junior". Well, I wish they had been funnier.
The "boy this movie was bad, but at least they were original" contest ends in a tie. "Junior" seemingly should win because of the "man having baby" angle, but looking at the movie closer, the ultimate goal was to reap the "amazing" chemistry of Devito and Schwarzenegger devoloped in "Twins". This must reduce some of the originality points. "Fright Night" focused on what would happen if your neighbor was a monster. That by itself is pretty clever. Of course, it is later done much better by movies such as "The 'Burbs".
So entering the final round worth 1.0001 points, "Junior" seemingly has an insurmountable 2.5 to 1.5 lead. The final category is "group atmosphere mirage", which regards whether the awfulnesss of a movie can be countered, even somewhat, by the joys of destroying that movie whilst in a group. This is where "Fright Night" wins it. It is much easier to make a "supposed to be somewhat scary" movie funny than it is to make a "supposed to be somewhat funny movie" funny…or scary for that matter.
It comes back to hope again. There is hope that if the conditions are just right and that people are loud enough that "Fright Night" might actually seem to be a 3.0 Donut movie at times. "Junior", on the other hand, has peaked. No matter the group, this movie just will not get better than 2.5 donuts.
And the prize is…no…I just cannot promise that I will watch "Fright Night" again. Well, maybe I'll see the remake…does that count?
David Stampor
Slatron