Starz On Demand is included in my cable service. From week to week I check the list of movies that are being offered to see if anything new appears. As I’ve mentioned 17 times, I like most movies (18). For the most part, I do not discriminate. I know that horror movies can be funny, bad dramas can be funny, action movies can be funny…hmm…basically I understand that if a movie completely misses its intended mark, it can still be funny. Thus, my excitement when I saw this movie listed as a potential movie-watching option. No, not “The Killing Machine”. While, this is what the movie is actually called, the clever marketing geniuses at Starz instead listed this movie as Dolph Lundgren is The Killing Machine. Because when you have a marquee name such as Dolph Lundgren, you’d be crazy not to exploit it in as many ways as possible. Harrison Ford is Indiana Jones? Nah. Robert Downey Jr. is Iron Man? Robert who? But Dolph Lundren? People would line up to watch him (grossed over $70,000 in the United Arab Emirates). Yes, I may have waited if it was just called “The Killing Machine”. I would have been intrigued, but the Dolph Lundgren is what got me.

Don’t get me wrong. I like the guy. The Punisher from the 80s was awesome. Rocky IV from the 80s was awesome. Masters of the Universe from the 80s was awesome. Universal Soldier from the early 90s was awesome. The Expendables was awesome. Yet, somehow I feel like his body of work is…an acquired taste.

And yes, I picked this movie hoping to groan and laugh. And that is where my disappointment manifests. This was a movie with an average story (better than expected), subpar action (worse than expected) and was…well it was…it was…just not very good. It had some decent ideas, but felt choppy, and the action failed for the most part. The worst part was that even when the story seemed like it was getting…almost interesting…nonsensical parts would get in its way. While I was hoping for a movie bad enough that I could laugh at it the entire time, this one just kept struggling. It was painful. It would get close and then morbidly drown in its own feces.

Here is my version of one of the most amusing sequences in the movie that almost provided me what I was looking for:

(Boyfriend of ex-wife dies)
Ex-wife: Oh no.
Dolph: We have to move.
(arrive in motel room to hide)
Ex-wife: Where is my daughter?
Dolph: She is safe.
Ex-wife: Where is she?
Dolph: …
Ex-wife: Where is she?
(sex…night turns to morning)
Ex-wife: Where is she?
Dolph: Oh. Let me call her.
(Ex-wife bangs head against wall…wait…that may have been me…)