Dear Man on Fire,

 

What's new with you? I can never remember. Are you really on fire, is that your last name, or is it some kind of metaphor? Anyways, I figured I should write you something quick, in case of the former. 

 

A funny thing about fire…and maybe you already know this. I sometimes forget what you know. It's been far too long since you were released. Did you know that, while water is monumentally useful when trying to put out a fire, that using fire to stop a flood is futile? I bet you did know that, being on fire and all. Though, reading through old letters, I do not see you ever mentioning trying to stop a flood. You'll have to let me know. And don't worry about the flood. You know me and perspective. One man's flood is another man's lake, right?

 

I've recently started doing the Insanity Workout with Shaun T. Actually, I've been doing it for a couple of months now. It is some sort of "time to be a healthier person" initiative. It is quite painful, but I'm feeling good. I don't know how often you go online. I imagine the "on fire" thing probably keeps you outdoors most of the time (unless it's a metaphor...man, I wish I could remember that). Still, if you want to read my daily progress, check out http://insanityjourney.blogspot.com/

 

I do feel the need to point out that your last message was a little long. I don't want to be mean, but I feel it is important to be honest. It took me two and a half hours to read your last message, and, quite honestly, you kind of went nutso talking about your dismal past (OH! Hell...that's right...it is a metaphor...DUH!), your new job bodyguarding this girl, and your methods of revenge when the girl is kidnapped (oh yeah! Revenge...fire...brimstone...payback...a double metaphor...oh goodie!). Not that all letters have to be the same, but most revenge letters should probably be about two hours. The first hour of your letter felt too different from the remaining one and a half hours. And, honestly again, your ending was somewhat odd. 

 

Overall, the letter was good. I mean, I don't feel a pressing need to read it again anytime soon, but, y'know, it was alright. 

 

Well, I don't want to fall into the trap of making my letter too long, so happy day, and good luck with the whole being on fire thing…I can never remember if you are really on fire or if that is a metaphor.

 

Sincerely,

Man Eating Donuts

 

PS If you are done with my Linda Rondstadt CDs, please send them back as soon as possible. I'm having a Linda Rondstadt party in a couple weeks, so I kind of need them.

PSS Taken says "hello" and that he can still kick your ass.